I have an orchid plant. when I first got it, it had six blooming orchids. They’re very sturdy plants, strong. Can withhold a ton a shit.
I don’t know what to do. It started withering. bit by bit. a petal fell at a time and no matter what I did it kept withering until all the orchids fell to the ground. It never grew since.
I feel like the stupid orchid plant. I keep withering and I don’t know what to do. They fell to the ground and I picked them up but I’m falling and I don’t know until when and who will pick me up.
I never realized the force and the weight of a man until they decide to put all their weight against you. I thought I was strong, you know? But no, I believe he didn’t even try to put that much force. but I couldn’t, no matter how much I pushed he stayed strong.
I tried to put it past me because I thought orchid flowers don’t wither. we don’t FALL. we’re more mentally capable. It’s in our roots, in our very seed, to grow and remain strong.
I said lets learn from this, what did I learn? I learned to fix my fucking doors, I learned never to open them, even to a friend, even to a lover. I learned that some men think that shorts and a big T-shirt are an invite to open a woman’s legs. I learned that long sleeve shirts and clothes among clothes even at the comfort of my own place is a big yes and for the life of me, I try to sleep in the middle of the bed because I don’t want to make space for someone and they think they’re invited.
and I changed the very essence of me, because all of what I was is an invite for men to hurt me and put all their weight against me and for the life of me I thought I was a fucking orchid flower.
I cannot kiss a man without seeing Dahren hold me down, trying to calm me down, justify that it wasn’t rape. where is down Dahren?
And I tried to talk about it, tried to fix myself but I can’t.
I can’t stop falling.