I cried on my 15th birthday. Out of joy
Ever since I could imagine, I never thought of the future
nearing it felt, bleak
I was burnt constantly on my arms as a child
I first craved the mixture of metal and blood at 13
my bed was usually a closet or somewhere under a table,
the furthest corner in the house,
or sometimes, I slept outside
I never thought I’d surpass such a number
on my 15th birthday I didn’t see passed 17
and I was close on a number of times
I neared shut doors, and a coffin, often
they were the hardest, bleakest couple of years
I woke up to the smell of blood and a deafening scream
that was my own
more than I can count
I’ve slept with a knife and the only song that got me through the night
“love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears”
but my heart broke constantly
for the love of an angry mother
and an absent father
but I’ve made it!
I’ve made it to 19 but thought I’d never pass 20
By then my arms, thighs and stomach, were tree barks carved with letters
antihistamine and Zoloft were my only friends
the night ate me up,
as I held myself, hard, my nails scarring my thighs and arms for months on end
But you see, I was the only one that could hold me
I was the only one that knew
how hard it is to live with a future so bleak.
I am now nearing 24 years old and I see a future that is yellow, pink and gold
I see beauty within me and everywhere else
my arms, stomach and thighs are as smooth as silk
they’ve forgotten the hurt i’ve caused them
they’ve forgiven
I no longer fear the night
I no longer fear the past
though, I am so excited for the future I made myself