We meet at a concert or perhaps I visit your friends place and you’re there like you always are. Maybe by the beach. Maybe you’re right next to me in bed with no explanation but an arm around me tight, sweating under the blankets as usual. I’d flip them at night so you’d be comfortable.

Maybe your shaky hands will reach out for me first.

I’ve thought of our first-time-in-a-long-time meeting every single day, they get more and more unrealistic because they all turn out great. Not with great endings because no matter what it will never work even if it’s just imagined.

I know I’m not okay when I think of you too often

I know I’m not okay as I am writing this about you

I hope our first-time-in-along-time  never comes

I hope I drown for the second time before that ever happens

I hope I go deaf before I ever hear your voice again

I hope my skin is burnt before you ever touch it

I hope my lips break before you kiss me

I hope I drown again before anything ever happens

because going on without you has got me insane

but being with you

is a serene abomination

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