Subject 7: To whose​ benefit? Pt.1

Freud had a theory that you become your mother and you date your father. do you think the reason you end up in relationships where men cheat is because of your father? 

I thought about that once. Actually, I thought about that many times that how this incident really created this coincidental pattern in my previous relationships.  My dad.. he was the first person I find out that cheats, that he’s cheating on my mom. After that, it got to my first ex cheating on me. Then my second ex cheating on me. Then my third ex cheating on me. And then, I always felt like maybe this is a sign. Maybe it is a message, I don’t know. Sometimes, when I talk to my exes and stuff the way I used to talk to them. I’d always kind of be like you sound like my dad, you talk like my dad, you joke like my dad. something, like part of them is my dad and then I realize now I hate seeing that. I hate finding something that reminds me….. someone, that reminds me of my dad. Someone I love, someone I did love. 

It kills me because the first thing I think about is… in the future will he cheat on me? Will he find somebody else? am I his toy to play with sometimes and then afterward….. throw away and then find a better toy. I really don’t want to be an imitation. I don’t want to feel that imitation ever again if I’m in another relationship. 

And do you think you stayed in those relationships because your mother stayed with your dad?

I never thought about it in that kind of concept. I never really did. I always thought of it as ….. I mean, my mom needs my dad, without him we’d be living in Egypt. without his financial aid we’d be fucked, honestly. We’d have nothing. I’d just live in Egypt and live with her and I’d have to restart my life all over again. Like, the only reason we’re still here is because of my dad. But the thing is… 

I’ll tell you two things: first thing is that there’s this cultural thing that when- I’ve noticed- this constant pattern with many families especially Egyptian families where if the husband is cheating on his wife and she knows and she finds out and everything, she’ll still stay with him. you cant leave him. I don’t know why. I mean they have their reasons and stuff but its kind of like an abusive relationship, you stay with them because where else would you go? you’re kind of really shackled or anchored down in those kinds of relationships. it’s like a common thing. My mom would stay with my dad for a certain reason. Even though, I always think she deserves better. She doesn’t need anybody. She seems independent enough. 

Second thing is that: I never really stayed in those relationships because of the idea that my mom stayed with my dad. I only just stayed with them because I always hope for the better. I hope the would change for me, they would become better for me, at least compromise for a bit and start fixing themselves but I realize I sound like a broken record at one point, trying to repeat myself over and over again for them to stop doing this and that and stop hurting me and shit like that and it never worked. That was the saddest part. Like, I’m always in this constant loop of hope and chances. It starts from that hope to see if there’s a change, there’s no change, they fuck up but then I still go back to round one. I still give them hope. I don’t know why but I just do it. I think I kind of got this by being raised to be kind, to be nice to people. I never understood why that kind of adaptation never was the same with others. It always shocks me every time I think about it. why couldn’t you be the same?

How does it feel to keep a secret that isn’t yours? 

For me keeping my dad’s secrets is just… I kept it away from my mom because I know my mom doesn’t really handle depression well. I’ve seen her break down so many times and that is the most heart breaking thing I had ever seen. It is more heart breaking than seeing myself going through mental breakdowns whether through relationships or studying, whether through school or uni now. Seeing my mom go through that really shatters me. I kept it a secret because is not really going to benefit anybody. It’s not going to benefit my mom. Who is it going to benefit? My dad won’t even listen to us. 

I keep secrets. I keep a lot of secrets. If you tell me a secret I might keep it till I die and nobody will know about it. It really depends on the secret. If its something stupid like oh don’t tell anybody, its a secret between you and I, I really like this guy. I’m just going to be like you go fuck yourself like this is like okay so what. If you’re going to keep that for yourself then you’re never going to get that guy in the end. Y’know? but then when it’s something like this.. It’s best kept unsaid than tell anyone about it. Ever. Who is it going to benefit? Nobody.

Whats your biggest fear and why?

Gerascophobia; the fear of aging. Not me aging but people around me aging. Not my friends. I’m most talking about my mom, my dad, my grandparents. My aunts and uncles. Mostly, my grandparents. It kinda came from this one time where I remember my great-grandfather, I used to see him a lot and stuff then all of a sudden one day I ask my mom about him she’s like he passed away. like what do you mean he passed away? I didn’t know when, nobody told me. My mother didn’t tell me anything, my grandmother didn’t tell me anything. Nobody told me anything. I just told her out of the blue once and she said he passed away a while back and it just kind of scared me because I didn’t really have much time to y’know be with him or talk to him or be around him and stuff. Get to know him better and stuff. I’ll tell you something. When I called my- the reason why I went to Egypt was because of one phone call. See, my grandmother- I was also asking about my grandfather. My grandfather was on the line, I was talking to him and after that I just started crying. I started crying because I could not handle his voice I could not handle hearing his voice cracking. He is really aging. I cannot see that.

Also, I cannot see my parents aging. I always tell my mom to dye her hair. To re-dye her hair to her natural hair color because I can’t stand seeing gray hair around her. I hate it. I hate it so much. I’m about to cry right now. It just really scares me thinking about-am I ever going to see them ever again? is there a chance in the future, when we all die, we’re bound to die at one point but you don’t know how am I going to feel when I die and also, death for me… it’s-its also a fear because i really don’t know what time bound to expect. am i going to hell? am I going to heaven? I’ve sinned more than I’ve done what i should be doing in this lifetime. or am i going to live in oblivion? oblivion scares me the most. More than hell, really. Honestly, it really does. Um, reincarnation also scares me. Am i ever- am I bound to see them in another life whether I’m a fucking fly or a fucking dog or another baby. another baby from another family. it just scares me. i just don’t know if I’m ever going to see them ever again and yah.


part 2 will be down by next week hopefully so stayed tuned!

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