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Subject 6: Human

Even when you talk you seem distant, I’d never know who you are. Are you always like that?
I would say so. I would say that distance has been more of a either a coping mechanism for me or also like, it gives me room to observe who I’m talking to at the same time. Because I feel like most of the time I’m not being myself. I just want to know if its safe for me to be myself. So I keep some sort of distance.

How long does it take to be yourself around someone?
It really depends on the person I’m talking to or the situation. If the person that I’m talking to showed me some sort of signs of closed-mindedness or something like that I don’t think I would ever open up to them. They would have some sort of version of me and whatever that version is, that’s them. But they will never know the real me.

You said little by little you started losing the sense of who you are. When did that start?
It is hard to pinpoint exactly when I started to lose who I am. I think when my sense of morals started to shake. When that happened I started to lose focus of who I am. When I started to say yes to things I thought I would never say yes to. You know, when I said yes to the first time I drank. The first time I smoked marijuana, the first time I had sex. Like, every time I say yes the more blurred the line of what I wouldn’t cross, got more blurry and more of who I am or what I stand for.

You don’t complain, you barely compare. Is it practice to be that way? Or refraining or self-talk?
I think the complaining part; I try to stay away from it as much as I can because I don’t find any point of me complaining. It’s only human but I feel like the problem is still going to be there. I’ll only gonna make it more real. As for the comparison thing, I really try to stay away from it because I felt like when people come to you with their problems or something like that and you start to compare it to something. Some people you relate to what they go through does not help as much. People think oh they’re gonna think like they’re not alone. I mean, yeah. But it’s not going to make them feel any better. Like okay, we’re both in a shit hole and then what? but yeah, I try to stay away as much as possible. Even when it comes to music. You show me something, I’m not going to tell you oh this sounds like Frank Ocean. I freaking hate that. I hate comparing stuff in general.

Took you hours to address insecurity or rather your fear of failure. Which is interesting considering we talked about countless things but yet you kept it intact until later on.
I feel like, just like when it comes to complaining. When I talk about it, I’ll make it real to you. I guess that it also comes with the distancing thing. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to be like, hey, I’m insecure. I write about it in my poetry, I write about it in music that I make but I never… I really try not to say it out loud. It makes me feel vulnerable.

 

What drives you? Fear or love? And what makes you think so?
Fear. I would say fear is probably a stronger motive than love. I always felt like love is fleeting. Like, I felt it on and off but fear is something that, you know, no matter what I’m doing it’s always there. I would definitely say fear.

What puts you down? If anything?
I guess the only thing that really puts me down… circumstances don’t bother me as much. Circumstances are circumstances. Love being lost or being gained, I don’t care about that either. I think the thing that puts me down the most is my frustration with myself not being in control of things sometimes. when I say in control of things I mean in control of things that are happening in my life. I want to know that I am at least not in the passenger seat of things happening. When I feel like I’m losing control over things that matter to me I feel like….that’s the one thing that puts me down. That’s like the one thing, I notice that on me.

Define your perspective of insecurity
I would define insecurity as restless discontent. you’re restlessly discontent with something and no matter what other people tell you it not going to stop. You’re still going to be not content with whatever you care about. And I feel like people think that insecurity is more either looks or materialistic things but you can be insecure about almost anything. You can be discontent with your work, any kind of excursion of yourself. So, relentless discontent with any excursion of yourself. I’m very proud of that sentence.

 

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Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash

 

What’s is your life goal?

I don’t have goals. Not a single goal. I’m sorry. I’ve been winging it. If I set myself a goal, that’s like disappointment right there just waiting to happen. Whatever comes my way comes my way. 

Describe your biggest fear?
Describing fear of failure… I never thought someone would ask me oh describe your biggest fear. I feel like I can describe you the moment it hits you the most. It’s definitely not when you start doing something. When you start doing something you’re not certain yet but its that little bit of time before failing. That’s the scariest part because at that point you have all these thoughts that are clouding your mind and your judgment. You cant focus on what you’re doing. You cant focus on not failing anymore because you’re already so afraid of it. It’s crippling. You think about how your failure is going to affect the people around you. You think about everything and you can’t do anything about it.

It’s like this, If I have to put it in one way; you’re driving and right in front of you there’s this wall and you’re about to hit it and what you can do is think about every single turn that you took that got you here. And you doing that is not going to make you avoid this wall. You’re going to hit. So, that’s the best way I could put it in words.

Did you ever really hit that wall?
A couple times. A couple times and I wouldn’t even say I hit it. I never felt like I did.

Talk about your childhood
Honestly, there was nothing interesting about my childhood. I was, you know, the youngest. I was most definitely the most mediocre out of all of my siblings. My older brother was this genius his entire life, always getting awards, Always. My sister was the super role model of being the perfect daughter and whatever and then there was me. The kid who freakn’ drank half a bottle of cough syrup because it tasted great. Childhood was like, I don’t know, I was unnoticed the entire time. That’s the only thing I can think about.

 

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Photo by Aimee Vogelsang on Unsplash

 

That’s why it led you to that fear?
I definitely, I think throughout my childhood I was always scared of failure because I never saw it in anyone around me. I never saw it in my siblings. My dad is a professor, so he is the anti of failure. He gives it. I never saw failure being rewarded. My siblings were always getting rewards, I never won a single award my entire life. So, I guess that I scared of failure but I didn’t care I was just floating. That’s my childhood, floating.

Tell me about the mortality and the people you care about?
I had this phase, I wouldn’t say I was suicidal but I was, what’s the word for it? I don’t want to say I don’t care, indifferent. I was indifferent about living and it was to the point where I cross the street I stop looking left and right because if a car hit me I really didn’t care. If I died it really wouldn’t make a difference to me and I never spoke about it to any of my friends but then one day I find out about the fact that my mom had cancer. My family hid it from me for a while, I had no idea. They told me about three years after she was diagnosed and when they told me, all I can think about was oh my God, what if tomorrow I don’t see her anymore. and from then I started to think about everyone that I cared about. It was so self-centered of me, like I don’t care how I’m living but if I think about, let’s say for example la samah allah tomorrow my ex passes away tomorrow, there is so much I want to tell her. I want to tell her at least for another time that I love her before I can’t do it anymore just to let her know that I care. So, I guess my fear of mortality of the people that I care about is more my fear of not expressing things that I want to express to them before they’re gone. That’ll be it.

 

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Photo by Jake Hinds on Unsplash

 

 What’s a defining moment in your life? 

I can’t recall anything that had an impact on me like that. I feel that all the changes that happened in my life were so gradual. I didn’t have like a boom. I honestly don’t want to give that one girl that much credit so no. One of my exes cheated on me but I’m not going to give her that credit. So no, I can’t think of anything.

Can love be unconditional? explain
I’ve definitely loved all my exes on different degrees and I definitely experienced different types of love with each one of them. I’ve felt the support of love, I’ve felt the love that drained me, I’ve felt the love that came from me appreciating this person existed.

You never had the ultimate love?
ultimate love? I don’t think that exists, to be honest with you. I don’t think that there is a degree of love that everyone is going to feel and that is the ultimate one. You’re going to love people as differently as possible. For example, there’s this saying in Sudanese الكلب بريد خناقو which means the dog loves the person who chokes him. Basically, you love the people who hurt you and what not and I felt that more often than pure normal love. I loved people but at the same time, they were hurting me. But to me to think that there’s some ultimate love where

It’s going to bring you up
It’s there I’m sure it’s there but I can’t picture it, you know? I have such a tainted idea about love that I can not picture it yet.

Unconditional love
Like I said, I felt like a lot of the times when I was with people, it was easy to love me at times when it was easy to love me. A lot of the times I would either get distant I would either get depressed, I would either have a lot of circumstances and what not and I feel like the condition for someone to love me when I am making them feel good about themselves. I think me thinking like that definitely ruined my last relationship. It sucks because I think out of all the relationships I had that was the only girl who genuinely cared if I was upset or down or sad who would sacrifice her own feelings just to make me feel better. Which I hated. because I don’t want you to neglect your own feelings just for me. So it was a vicious cycle.

yeah, I just don’t see some sort of unconditional love of oh you exist I love you. It’s going to sound super dark but I don’t think my mom completely loved me whats so ever. It’s going to sound super dark and so out of character for who I am; I was more of a fuck up out of my siblings and for some reason, I felt like my mom resented me for that more than she loved me and that’s when I knew it couldn’t be conditional. I felt like me, being successful was a condition for her to at least like me not even love me. I’m not asking for much. My dad tries to show it as much as possible but he also has his own conditions which I found their limit of them very recently. So, there were definitely these conditions with my family. So, I don’t think unconditional love exists what’s so ever. Maybe in books and stories.

What do you want to accomplish with your writing
Honestly, self-expression. That is literally all I’m doing it for. I think the sadder I am the more I write and there is this exhale out of me after I’m done. I wrote a song very recently. A few days ago and it was literally just cluster fuck of all these things that were messing with my mood. That was such a downplay of what was going on with me this whole week. After I was done writing it there was this exhale and I’m like if people like it great, awesome. If people don’t like it they can go fuck themselves.

By the end of the day, what I’m writing is an exhale. That’s my only goal out of it.

Tips for people who have anxiety?
I wish if I had something bright to say. What helps me calm down when it comes to anxiety is definitely music. hands down. Becuase I think with music, and definitely, sad music, like I’m not gonna be here listening to freaking I don’t know Playboi Carti and I don’t know when I’m sad. I listen to freaking Sade and The Weekend and frank ocean I only listen to very sad stuff only because the way I think about it is you have these idol-like figures that people freaking adore but they’re still vulnerable to feeling those feelings and singing about it. So like I find some sort of solace in someone who reached that level feels or expresses something that was similar to something that I’d felt. So, definitely music.

If I can sing shoot, I’ll be singing my ass off during my anxiety attack but I can’t. but I think the one thing that literally killed anxiety for me once. This is more situational and it never happened again because it was that one time. I was in the car with my ex and I had this anxiety attack and I didn’t get them like that before but I don’t know, just I started and she literally just took my head and put me close to her heart and I kept hearing her heartbeat and it kind of synchronized at one point with her going through my hair. I was instantly calm. So find someone who loves you and hug you like that

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