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Subject 5: constricted

1. What do you think of the country you live in?
Honestly, I don’t really like living here. Mostly because of all the unreasonable laws and the discrimination between locals and non-locals. The country itself is pretty cool except for the whole slave labor thing.

2. When did you find out you were pansexual?
Around grade 8 (2012-2013) was when I first realized I liked girls as well. At first, I thought I was bisexual because I didn’t really know what pansexuality was but I discovered the meaning late 2014 and realized that’s what I resonated with more.

3. Do you struggle with making people understand your sexuality?
More often than not, I do. The majority don’t really get it when I say that I’m pansexual and I always get the whole “….so you’re bi?” question and to be honest, I just gave up. With people who don’t get it, I just say I’m bi.

4. You seemed cheerful the whole time, was your childhood likewise or it’s just something you show people?
I like to appear cheerful because being depressing just ruins the vibe for everyone involved. My childhood was pretty good but it was my earlier teenage years that ruined my mind with all the confusion I was going through and other shit. I don’t like being depressing around people.

5. You’re brave for being who you are, do you think it’s a challenge being in the culture you were in?
I don’t find myself brave for being myself whatsoever because I’m not out to my parents or anyone else in my family except for my sister. Both the cultures I was raised in are extremely homophobic so for my own safety, I’d never come out.

6. Why is it that you want to be the best at everything?
It’s not that I want to be the best at everything, I just want to have more skills. I just think it would be cool to be skilled in multiple areas.

7. What do you think you lack as a person?
I think I lack control. I often can’t control my impulses and do things without thinking.

8. If you weren’t constricted by your parents, what would be the first thing you’d do and why?
Maybe apply for jobs that my parents didn’t let me apply for; part-time shit like for promotions and shit. They’re not cool with it because they’re afraid someone in my family will see me and think low of me. I’d take off my hijab and dress the way I’d like to. Move out when I actually can. I can’t really think of much that I would do.

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Photo by Ryan Tang on Unsplash

9. Word for word: Answer every word with the first thing that pops into your head.
Money – something I don’t have much of but want really badly.
Kpop Libra. Libra is my nickname for my first female crush as well as my ex-girlfriend. She has been into kpop for as long as I can remember and I was thinking of her when I first got into it. We reconnected after I got into kpop.
SleepI lack it. I like dreams tho.
FutureThe rapper

10. What made you disbelieve in religion?
It was never something I agreed with. I don’t like the conditions and the reasoning behind it.

11. You’re seventeen but didn’t hesitate to mention that you wanted to raise a child, would you think you’d be a good mother?
I honestly have no idea if I’d be a good mother. In some ways, I think I would but I’m worried about how stable I would be financially.

12. You also mention you want children but having a husband is an iffy subject?
Raising a child is something I’ve always wanted to do but doing it with a husband worries me because I’ve got commitment issues when it comes to relationships with men and I wouldn’t want to raise a child in an environment like that. I’d rather not have a child than raise it in that situation.

13. Why do you think you have commitment issues?
I don’t know at all.

14. How do you think you handle trauma

I think I just ignore it or like, if something happens, I don’t know, I take it out on people which isn’t good but it happens.

15. What or who resembles pain to you?
I don’t really know how to answer this? I guess, like being trapped is pain to me? I don’t like feeling trapped.

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Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

16. What scares you more the past, present or future
Future

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