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Subject 4: Gods and love

What do you think of love?
I don’t necessarily think of love as in what we have with a loved one or family member. To me, it’s universal. When I think of the word love I think of God.

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What’s your relationship with God?
It’s pretty complex. If I worship him wholly it’ll tear me apart just as much as it will if I completely disbelieve in him.

Is the reason you don’t have a solid relationship with God the same why you don’t have a solid relationship with your loved ones?

Well, that’s a good question. When I look for a partner I tend to look for God in them. And God to me is complex. If I don’t find the complexity in them then I’m disinterested and I find someone else. I hope that answers the question.

Have you ever been rejected by a person?
Rarely, but yes once. 

Do you get attached to a person because of rejection?
I think everyone gets attached if they were to be rejected.

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You’re so ambitious. When you want something you do it. Was it the disappointment around you?

I was the youngest for a while and I’ve seen how the lack of education affected them. My childhood was messed up and I didn’t want adulthood to be the same way. I didn’t want to end up like them. So I did what it took to leave the house. I was as young as six when I knew that I had to work 5 times as hard as anyone to just get out.

You accept a lot of things from your friends. why?
I realize that they haven’t been the nicest and it has negatively affected me. I know that our relationship may not last but I can’t seem to want to lose them. We both have changed and right now we just don’t know how we can work together like we used to. I just hope they reach maturity.

A moment that resonated with you?

Well, we moved into a new house and mind you I was six or seven. I was in an empty room with no furniture, alone and I have a corrector in my hand. You know the one where u white out words from the ink. It always had a clicking noise and it bothered me. I was a curious child and I wanted to know if there was a ball in there and why so I cut it up and naturally I was filled with the white ink. My dad came and well, he was a military guy and he tended to come home angry trying to find a reason for us kids to get beaten. I had filled the floor, my hands and my mouth with it so when he found me he beat me until I was unconscious. When I woke up it was sunset and he grabbed me by the arm, took me to his room and washed my hands very gently and quietly with soap and that moment truly resonated because I started to believe that as much as a man can be abusive he can also be loving.

How is your relationship with your family?
I have a big family and my relationship with each varies a lot. Though, all in all, there is just the default love that I can’t rid myself of that annoys me sometimes. I have no hate towards them either.

Why do you love birds?
It’s strange to say this because this is personal to me for different reasons. Well, let’s see. I was a very sad seventeen-year-old and I went through therapy. My therapist decided to try hypnosis on me to see whats going on with my subconscious. As she asked me question after question and as I saw myself with closed eyes walking under a foul-smelling tunnel- I could honestly smell it- I came out and I flew. I started flying over the greenish putrid sea and. Well, ever since, I grew fond of flying. Becuase her last question was what are you doing now? a tear escaped, a smile broke through and I said I am free.

You get along with younger people more than you get along with people your age why do you think that is?
I think people my age disappoint me? Not all of them, of course. Though, they do tend to be more judgmental. Whereas, younger people don’t give two shits about anything.

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Do you think maybe the fact you’re friends with younger people because you can take care of them and therefore you want to care for people?
No, I don’t really enjoy caring for anyone unless they’re drunk. It’s fun for me. No matter the age I’d care for you. But no. I think the reason is that I’m more understood or rather not interested enough to care but enough to maintain a nice friendship.

If you could change one thing about humans what would it be?
To love more. I believe love can end wars and famine and Trump.

Friends or family? Why?
I don’t particularly say that my siblings are my family or that my friends are just friends. I pick and choose who I consider family. A sibling could mean to me more of a friend.

So, to answer your question, family. The family I choose regardless of my relations with them.

Do you think you’re capable of living without any friends in your life?
I’ve done it tons of times, I can do it again. It’s nice having friends but I wouldn’t die if hadn’t any either.

Do you believe in heaven or hell? do you think it’s the same as everyone says it is?
I don’t know and no. I have two theories about that. It’s either just bullshit, which is what I’m leaning towards or that it could be a mental thing; That depression equals to the hell people speak of and heaven is like being in love. I think heaven and hell exist in life more than it does in death.

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