How do you feel about God?
You cant explain god. It’s more than us to explain.
You constantly interrupt. Do you not consider the words of the others? Is it more important to say your words, or what is it exactly?
I don’t know why I interrupt. But now, when you said your question, my mind like-sometimes things pop into my mind I just say it, it just happens. Maybe it’s a habit. But sometimes, when I like try to justify it I think that not that other people are less important, but I want to get it out of my mind first. And second, I will most probably forget it. Third, there are so many things in my mind I can’t keep those things inside me.
Was it something you always struggled with?
I think I’ve always had that habit but I think before when I was a kid until now at home- this happened because at home nobody listened to me.
You wanted to be heard?
Maybe, yeah. I’m not sure but I think that’s what popped in my head right now.
I can’t define myself. I like when my lover writes me love letters that describe me. I love the way I’m perceived by someone.
Your anger, as I’ve noticed is abrupt with no apparent reason, does it depend on the day, or are you always angry it slips out?
I’m not always angry and I don’t think I’m always angry but I feel like, Like…right now, I’m not angry but if something happens I might snap. I don’t think it’s because I’m always angry but I do think that underneath the surface this is me; angry. I am anger. I don’t think I’m angry because of something. Sometimes, stupid things happen but I do get angry. It’s not because the day was bad. It just happens.
You hate touch but you’re very affectionate with your lover what’s your theory behind it?
Before, I used to say I hate touch. Like, I really hated it. I didn’t want anyone to touch me except for my lover or I used to touch my lover than her touching me. But now, I like hugging people but not with everyone. I don’t like to open it to everyone. its something special for me. Like, really, really special. It should have meaning.
Do you think it’s because of the lack of affection in your household?
I do it because it’s like love. I give it because it’s love and I like getting affection from my lover but for people.. It doesn’t feel amazing. In my mind it’s pointless. My friends from different groups, when they come back from travel of six months I used to hug them like oh welcome back because I love them. I really love my friends now but I still think it’s pointless. I don’t know why with them it is.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I think because they don’t give it so often. so when they do hug it means something.
If I neglect (God, friends, family, love) what do you have left that is important in your life?
Nothing is important. I cant answer this question.
Thoughts on life and your relationship with it
I love life. Not my life, but life. The idea of life and what you can do with it. A lifetime of let’s say 60 or 20 or 30 whatever but I love what you can do with a life.
Thoughts on death?
I really don’t think about it. It’s something that will come. I know it will come. It has no importance. Like, when someone mentions death nothing really changes in my mind.
Are you afraid of death?
It’s something that will come how are you afraid of it?
If you have good in you, do it. Not so people know you are good. But because you have good in you.
Seems like you’re relying a lot on time. You say when this when that. Is it you focus on the future rather than the present?
I don’t think it’s that way. My focus is now, is having a job. But for me when I have a job then I‘ll do what I want and that’s the beginning of a life. That’s why I focus too much on the future rather than the present.
Not all your life should be revolved around work should it?
No, I don’t mean work, I don’t really care about work. What I mean is what I can do with the money I get from work. I think I can change my life with that.
It seems you focus all your energy on the work rather than what you can do now
yes, because I think what I can do now with what I have is nothing.
You allow the people you care about to hurt you. Why? why sacrifice a little of yourself for them? for love, acceptance, fear?
I don’t know. I do it sometimes because I love them or maybe because I don’t want to be annoying.
Are you more fearful or loving?
Sometimes, I do stuff because I just want to do them. In my idea, when I do something for someone there are people that I love that my way of showing them love. but to the people I love giving them love but people I don’t know is.. In my mind if I have good in me why i don’t give it to the world?
Sometimes I do things for the fear of hurting someone but I think that’s love too.
I don’t know how to define love.
Something you learned the most from 2017
How does it feel to be loved?
I’ve never sought for it so when it came to me I didn’t acknowledge it or maybe I had an expectation of love or how to be loved but it didn’t feel like anything. It feels normal.
Every word for word
- God everything
- love meh
- mental illness real
- revenge not important