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Subject 1: Acceptance, truest love

How does it feel to be abandoned?
I mean, you can’t really- I mean how does it feel? It’s shit. It feels awful. What do you mean how does it feel? It’s lonely. It’s awful.

Do you blame anyone for it?
Myself for some of them.

why?
Because it’s either me fucking up or the person just dying from natural causes so..

They were mostly natural causes
Most of the time yeah and sometimes they weren’t and not everyone who abandoned me has died. A lot of the times I was the one at fault and those people leaving kind of taught me about myself ’cause it takes a huge loss for you to improve who you are.

Have you been improving?
I’d like to think so.

Answer each word with the first word that comes to mind

  •  heaven and hell bullshit
  •  revenge delicious but horrible

From what I’ve noticed, you’re more honest than most. Was it a quality you learned over the years or you always were? Do you think honesty is vital?
Was I always honest? No.
I was a pathological liar. I would like lie about where I was five minutes ago like, not even lie for a reason. I’d be in the bathroom and tell you I was in the kitchen. I had a problem with lying.

What made you realize?
I realized it and I saw it in my brother as well, and I hated what I saw in him and I realized I saw that in me as well, and that just made me hate myself, and so I’ve always tried to be more honest. I mean..

You are the most honest. You’re not even a normal honest. You’re too honest
I guess I went from one extreme to another but I’d rather be at this end of the spectrum because, honestly, It’s just like I lost my respect for myself and it took me a while to just feel this way. There are very few things that I’m comfortable lying and being dishonest about like, either with family or to protect someone and still at that time it’s not like I would say I did the right thing but no I did the wrong thing but it’s better than betraying the trust of another person so like..It took a lot of hard work to be more honest because my natural instinct is just to lie and thankfully I’ve reformed.

Do you think every relationship should be built on honesty?
In a relationship that I’m in, yes. For other people, I won’t presume to tell them whats right and wrong for them but for me I need the honesty, because if I’m dating a girl and she tells me she slept with someone else we can deal with it because there’s honesty, there’s trust but if she just does it and tells me nothing about it then we can’t deal with it because she’s dishonest with me.

Explain your problem with acceptance and how it affects your life and relationships?
My problem with acceptance..
I’ve never really felt accepted. Like, my parents were never around. I mean, my parents were divorced when I was pretty young. My father didn’t live with us and I hardly saw him and I had only a few memories of him. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t my mother fault either because she was protecting me. Not from him, but from the people around him. like the neighborhood, he lived in. My father was such a sweet and gentle man. Like, all of the memories or my siblings say about him are just wonderful. but maybe if my mother didn’t..if she allowed me to be more around him like my brother which is something I’m really glad I’m not.

As for the root of it, my mother only had a middle school degree so she had to work two, three jobs at a time to be able to afford anything. I’m grateful for her for everything but she was never around.

So, most of my early childhood I was in my room alone or something and I remember the first time I felt horribly rejected it was by my siblings and cousins when my family and my aunts family were living in the same house and so there’s my sister who’s eleven years older than me and there’s my brother who’s nine years older than me and then there are a couple of cousins and my cousin that’s two years older than me and I was the youngest. They wanted to go watch a movie and I wanted to go and they kinda hid from me until I went to the toilet and then when I couldn’t see them they all ran out because they didn’t want me to go with them and they were like no, kids were not allowed but I was like what the fuck. The guy that’s two years older than me is with you so what’s the difference? and I remember how much I cried that night. It was one of my earliest memories and yeah that was the very first time I’ve felt extremely rejected.

My brother and my sister they were going through their teen years they just weren’t the best of siblings and it’s not like I hold any resentment towards it. It’s just that they were going through their teenage years. That’s what teenagers do. They don’t wanna hang out with the younger kids. I didn’t really have anyone who really made me feel wanted and even in school; like, in elementary school, I got bullied a lot. Elementary school, middle school, and high school I didn’t have any friends. Even in uni level, I didn’t have friends so it’s only been a year and a half of me actually having real friends. Before, it used to be having one or two friends. That’s a lot. Plus most of those died or left the country. At the end of high school, I had like three or four friends and they all left and then again I was completely alone. Completely on my own and I had to fit in somewhere else where I wasn’t accepted for being who I am because I was always too different.

So, you seek that? Once you’re accepted that’s all you want from a person?
No, it’s not all I want from the person.

But it’s a factor?
yes, who wouldn’t want to be with someone who accepts them? Who wants to be with someone who doesn’t accept them?

They don’t have to accept you to be your friends right?
Yes, they do. If they don’t accept you then they’re not a real friend. They’re just an acquaintance. They don’t have to necessarily agree with you, approve of who you are. I believe for a true friendship they need to accept you.

Even in relationships?
Especially in relationships. I mean, again, how can you be with someone who doesn’t accept you or your way with life or your religious views or it’s just, it will not be a healthy relationship because even if you do try to make it work the other person will always try to change you and changing by your own accord is one thing and it’s great as long as you’re changing for the better but if another person is trying to influence you into changing to what they think is better then that, for me, is not something okay. It’s hurtful.

Have you been doing the acceptance? have you accepted your past? The losses that you’ve had?
To some degree. Not fully. That will take a lot of work but I’m working on it.

You said you I am aware of myself but disgusted by it. tell me more what made you aware of it.
A lot of contemplation. I mean, just the thing that happened between us the last time we met. I don’t lull over myself when I act in a weird way. I do not indulge in ignorance. If there’s something wrong with me then I’d like to understand what it is or why did I act that way or why am I behaving that way. I need to understand myself and that has led me to understand a lot about myself and a lot of my subconscious thoughts and my subconscious needs and the way I act and how they affect the person that I am. I think that’s important for anyone to mature and grow as a human being.

But you are disgusted by it
Because I see a lot of things that are very difficult to accept. Things, I, myself, deem as horrible and perhaps that leads back to the whole acceptance thing. I mean, I’m not sure how can someone else accept you if you can’t wholly accept yourself?

Define true love. Can love be untrue? should we always love truly?
I’ve always said that love is a mixture of need, lust and, insanity. No one person can love two different people the same way, and no two people can love the same person the same way. It’s never the same thing. Sometimes, it’s all lust and people say they’re just screwing around but it can be a form of love. Sometimes, it can be just need and that’s really unhealthy. I think in the extremes it’s just one of the three it’s never healthy.

I think love in general varies from one person to another and true love…It’s kind of intangible, you know? It’s not something you can simply explain and it doesn’t have to be romantic. True love is unconditional. It’s not based on what you’re supposed to do or who you’re supposed to be or what you’re supposed to achieve. It’s when someone looks at you and sees the soul within your body or when you’re doing that to someone. Hopefully both at the same time. It’s like when someone can look at you-you do know about the whole Namaste thing? My soul sees a soul in you? It’s kind of that but even more. It’s like someone who sees your soul and understands your wounds even if they don’t really understand them but understands your pain and your struggle and accepts you for who you are and appreciates you for who you are and takes the good and the bad and accepts you even if you change the good or the bad. Like, someone who’s willing to be with any version that you might be tomorrow and to blindly take that leap not knowing what version tomorrow will bring and still chooses to stick by the person.
It’s where shit happens but you don’t let it get to you. It’s where you put yourself down to lift that person up and they put themselves down to lift you up. It’s not abusive it’s gentle but can be harsh sometimes when it’s for your own best, for the other person’s interest.

It’s really difficult to explain, because it’s too broad to specify. It’s like asking what is the universe? or what is God? You can have some understanding of it. You can understand some elements of it but you can never view it in its entirety because every day that you’re in love you discover a new way that your love is true. Every moment with that person is (a new discovery). It’s a new adventure.

Should we always love truly?
I’ve loved truly three times. The first: I was a kid who had no experience with love what so ever and I was just dying to feel it. I did love her but it was not to the magnitude of the love that I had towards Hanan. After Hanan passed away, I met someone else that I truly loved. But again, I don’t know. To be honest, right now as I’m answering this I question whether I truly loved them. Because I’m so okay with using the past tense form of love. And I feel like love is not something that ends at the end of a relationship or at the end of a persons life. It’s something that outlasts the both of you and so I’m not sure.
I’d like to think that I love truly or I’ve loved truly to some extent with those two other people but I know that my truest love was with one.

Do you think you can truly love someone else in the future?
I don’t think so.

You write about depression and love the most. Do you have a desire to write about other things?
Yes. I’ve tried several times. I’m not in control of my pen and that is a metaphor because I never write with a pen. I’m merely a vessel. I can’t control what words come out. The poem I wrote about depression. I started writing and it was about a poem about not being able to write. And that’s what it says I want to write. I write about the fact that I just want to write. I was having a writers block. I just wanted to write and I started writing and it led somewhere. Or there was…There were several times where I would be trying to write about something. Like, I can’t help it. My pen would just… I’m not in control. I’m merely a vessel I’m not a creator.

How would you describe your writing? is it your best friend, your addiction, salvation?
It’s an extension of my soul in a way to bear myself in front of people and perhaps beautify myself a bit while I’m standing bare naked.

What’s your relationship with life?
It’s a love/hate relationship. You’re asking this question to a very suicidal person. My poem about depression. Have I read it to you? Well, at the end of it I said I realize that I’m not just afraid of living I’m even more afraid of not living. Of this life passing by with me merely existing. I actually want to live. and I think that’s the best way I can answer your question.

Whats your relationship with death?
It’s a love/hate relationship. Again, you’re talking to a suicidal person. So, death. I don’t know. I don’t understand death.

But do you understand life?
To some extent I’ve accepted life but death is just so weird. I mean, I was watching this video that said that we’re total physics. That every action has a reaction of equal force and opposite magnitude but when death happens there’s no reaction. It’s an action of one human being, body, soul, memory, ideas, beliefs, everything, and that just disappears in the blink of an eye and that just doesn’t make sense and yes, I know that there is a reaction as to the people around or the effect that they left on peoples lives but at the same time, what if someone did not have people around him? What if someone was living alone. You know? Then what does that person’s death mean? Nothing?
I don’t understand death. I mean, I hope that it is peace but you can never find out until it’s too late. So might as well worry about living.

Should sex have feelings about it?
Only if the other person has feelings for you.

If the person has feelings for you would you have sex with them?

If someone has romantic feelings for me and I’m not romantically interested in them I wouldn’t sleep with them. That’s just taking advantage of the person.

What would you like to share with the people reading this?
I hope that this helps you with whatever you’re going through during your life and I hope that we, as humanity, can learn to take strengths from each others struggles rather than use each others struggles as weapons against one another.

You said you will never love another that magnitude, how come?
I hope I would love someone, I can’t see the future. Imagine, if you had- what’s the one thing you crave most in the world? imagine if you have that and then you lost it wouldn’t you want to have it back?

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