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Diary Excerpt: I don’t know

I recently went back to my old notebooks and read a lot of what i’d written and so, I’d like so share one with you. 

It’s unedited and it dates back to early 2016 but I do remember feeling that way vividly. Of course things have changed between now and then. So, here it goes. 

 

So much to think about so much less to do. 

Since I’ve found out that I’m imperfect I thought that maybe everything I did that I found righteous maybe isn’t. Maybe it was selfish and uncalled for. Definitely unforgiving. I have to accept that I’m a dick of a person because obviously, God made sure I’m a shit person. Not because of what  bad things he’d decided to lay on me. But, the great things he did and

how he took it away from me. 

Thats why I turned away. 

I keep weeping every time I reach this part so i’ll go on with the real issue; how fucked up I am and how I was in denial for so long. Don’t get me wrong. I always admit my mistakes and admitting your mistake is just as important as forgiving. But that fact of the matter is, I mostly don’t mean it and I mostly do it again and thats not what I believe in.

I lack so many things and I still thought I was good enough to be called perfect. Truly naive of me to ever consider that I’m somewhat of a God. That were all Gods and pure and complete.

I lack so many things and I still thought I deserved love. 

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