3. Loss and Insanity

This is the third part of a series I’m making 

To read the first part 

For the second part  

I don’t call it loss, but there are no other words to find.
for the feelings I have towards them linger.
though- I say this as my lungs can no longer withdraw air- 
though, my feelings can’t find its place.
Can’t find a body to give love to.

Love was replaced with loss
oh, I’ve lost
never to return

I lost my virginity to a gambler,
never for it to return
I lost my mother to old age
Lost my father within the days

I have lost all my three children
never to return
I lost my second youngest while breastfeeding my last
I held my oldest’s hands as we crossed the street while I witnessed my youngest wedged under a car.

I lost my last alive, the oldest, to measles.
I have lost and lost.
Their bodies are definite,
six feet under
their souls never to return

as I tell you all this-
as I tell you this while my hands tremble,
while I turn 300 shades of red,
while your face is a complete blur of tears I’ve shed
to what I’ve lost decades ago
Do you still wonder if I’ve killed my husband?
if I chose a machete to lose his soul to?
Do you still wonder why I did it?
or do you finally refuse to accept it?

I’ve turned into a mad woman with all feelings gone but fear
I couldnt have been responsible for my own loss
this should have been clear