”Lets clean you up”

Now, thats the gut-wrenching part. Having to look at what she’s done to herself. What he’s done to her from the inside that projected it all on the outside.

I help her stand up and walk her to the bathroom, I look back  where she sat and there was a small pool of blood. looking for a source, I see that her thighs are sliced up, blood is almost dry now. Taking a deep breath and trying not to make it obvious how hard it is to breathe.

The bathroom itself is a mess. Blood stains on the walls, every product on the floor. Some broken. some spilling out.

I turn off the shower thats been on for a while.

The first aid kit is always there. I made sure of it. I start with her right leg.  open the kit and start. By that time her head rests on the wall just looking up and I could have my only time where I can let my body express my hurt. I don’t cry though. Not yet. Her thigh is properly cut up, swooshes and lines and carvings. I clean it up and cover it. I did the same with her stomach that has a couple or droplets of dried blood and a small line. Both her shoulders were bruised. I kiss them.

“I keep doing this to you”

“I want to”

“You shouldn’t”

I stay quite and move to her arms. She usually keeps scraping her arms till it numbs out.  “I feel him on me, I have to get him off” She once cried to me.

It harder to clean because the skin is literally thinned down. it hurts more. looking for a slower way to hurt herself.

I wipe her tears with a wet towel while her hollow eyes look at me. I kiss her scratched cheeks. Then her forehead.

The trick to keep her safe from herself at this point is to never leave her alone. Last time I turned around to get her fresh clothes I found her by the bottom of the stairs. unconscious.

I let her hold my hands and follow me when I get her clothes. “hello kitty shorts?”

She nods with a weak smile.

I get her dressed.

Tuck her in bed.

Tell her stories. Happy ones. I make her interact so she gets tired. I let her sleep without realizing because if she tries to sleep by herself. She’d be screaming in an hour or two.

When she finally sleeps. I kiss her forehead, clean up a little then leave.


I wake up startled. Sweating. I heard screams but it didn’t sound like it came from her. It was me.


I pull out the bottle of meds from under my bed. Take 3 pills and pick up the mix of gin and tonic that’s always beside the bed.


I wake up startled.


3 pills with gin and tonic

Try to sleep.


Its on going.


The alarm goes off. I’m looking at the ceiling. A warm drop falls from my eye. I slip 5 more pills. Get up and go to work.

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