When I was younger, my parents always told me that I was the grumpy one between me and my twin brother. He was always ever so happy and cute and smiling whereas, I was crying all the time. I always believed it because, even when I was older I had this aura of sadness going about. I’m very vulnerable you see.
I believed it even more when I saw the pictures of when I was about 3 years old. Dad carrying me, trying to shush me. While Ibrahim, would be smiling expecting his picture to be taken. With his long eyelashes.
I always got lost and Ibrahim would always run after me, hold my hand and bring me back to my family. Even as a kid, no one liked me and I liked none either. So when I’d get bullied he’d shush them off and get me food.
What I’m trying to say is; I’m always sad. Always at the brick of losing the string that attaches me to the ground.
I learned another thing about myself on the dinner table the other day. “Even when you were little Iman, you wanted to kill yourself” My mental health was always joked upon and I don’t mind it the slightest. “The day you were born the umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck” She laughs.
I was so shocked, yet, not really. Didn’t expect I wanted to die so soon.
I got Pneumonia later on. I obviously survived. By 15 I took two bottles. By 16 I tried to drown myself. By 17 also. But then it all got better. Somehow.
Well. Not really. I found distractions awful enough to replicate the death and the hell I promised myself I’d have.
It worked really well until I turned 19.
I was done.
I wanted to live now. I’d like to live now.
I learned during this whole time that I never wanted to die but I actually wanted to find reasons to live. To live long enough to see my true meaning and to know them, I had to go to the edge and feel them. I actually wanted God to save me. I think he did. I’m not afraid of death nor do I think I ever did.
Im ready whenever It will happen. For now. I’d like to breathe in everything he created and nourish myself for I am as perfect as everything else.